I need to be honest with you. As this episode ended I sat very still and thought about my life. Not in a dramatic way. In a quiet, practical way. I thought about the garbage that needed taking out. I thought about the drawer I've been meaning to organize for three months. I thought about literally any other activity that could have filled the forty-five minutes I just spent watching women stomp grapes in Tuscany and argue about ChatGPT. The garbage would have been more satisfying. I watched anyway. I always watch anyway. This is my burden and I accept it.

Season 15, Episode 15. Italy. Let's go.

The Grape Stomping — Lucy Ricardo Is Rolling in Her Grave

They went grape stomping. In Italy. In Tuscany. At an actual winery. The setting that Lucille Ball made iconic in 1956 when she climbed into a vat of grapes, battled a feisty Italian stomper, and came out purple from head to toe in what is widely considered one of the greatest comedic scenes in television history.

Jennifer Tilly — an actress, a woman who lives and breathes television — got into that vat and said this would be good for her resume. Like I Love Lucy.

JENNIFER. You ARE in the I Love Lucy episode. You have the vat. You have Italy. You have the cameras. You have EVERYTHING. All you needed was to start a grape fight and make this worth watching.

Instead everyone stomped politely. Nobody ended up purple. Nobody fought the Italian stomper. The vat was left in peace.

Lucy Ricardo is somewhere absolutely furious and we are with her.

Rachel Zoe — "Does Grape Stain?"

Rachel Zoe. Fashion icon. Woman who has built an entire empire on the sacred relationship between a human being and their clothing. Removed her heels, climbed into a bucket of grapes, and asked out loud:

Does grape stain.

Rachel. You are standing IN the grapes. BAREFOOT. The grapes are PURPLE. The activity is called STOMPING. The answer is yes. It has always been yes. This is not new information. You are currently standing inside the evidence and asking if the evidence is real.

She survived. Called it a Tuscan miracle. We believe her. We are glad she made it.

Boz on a Bike — A Discovery Is Made

Some of them rode bikes to the winery. A charming, perfectly pleasant Tuscan activity.

Boz got on a bike and discovered sweat.

Not metaphorically. Literally. Boz — who operates at all times with the composure of a woman for whom physical inconvenience is a rumour — pedalled through Tuscany and encountered something her body produces apparently for the first time on camera.

Sweat, Boz. It's sweat. It happens to everyone. It's been happening to humans for the entirety of human history. It is not a personal attack. It is a bike in the sun.

She looked at it like it owed her an apology.

It was the most entertaining thing that happened in this episode and we are not being sarcastic.

The ChatGPT Drama and Amanda's Business — Again. Still. Forever.

Sutton — who is this season's unlikely voice of reason and we will get to that — briefed Amanda that Boz had used ChatGPT to research her before the trip. Amanda, who has been waiting for an opportunity, arrived at the grape stomping with this information and several things to say.

Boz also apparently compared Amanda to a Pinocchio mask at some point. The mask that implies someone is lying. Boz now cannot recall saying this.

Amanda confronted her. "I don't believe I said it. No," said Boz.

The Pinocchio mask comment. Denied. By Boz. With a straight face. At a grape stomping event. In Tuscany.

The irony was lost on everyone including the grapes.

And then Amanda, having established that Boz used AI to look her up and may have called her Pinocchio, did what Amanda always does when given any opening whatsoever.

She told us about her business.

"My life looks good because it is good. It is cultivated, curated, co-created and manifested intentionally. I designed it on purpose."

Amanda. We know. WE KNOW. You are the Money Queen. The book exists. The manifestation is documented. You have told us every episode, at every dinner, in every country, at every activity including this grape stomping event in Italy. The message has been received. It has been received by everyone at this table, everyone watching at home, and almost certainly the grapes.

The group's collective side-eye could power a small city.

Natalie — Still There. We Keep Forgetting.

Natalie Swanston Fuller wanted to understand why she was being called a liar. This confusion stems from a previous episode where Kyle told her she would understand when she watched it back on TV because cameras don't lie.

Natalie is still processing this.

We are still processing why Natalie is on this show.

We wish her well. We will forget she was here again by next week. This is simply how it goes with Natalie.

Kyle, Erika, and the Dorit Intervention — A Concerned Friend Production

Kyle Richards and Erika Jayne decided to address their concerns about Dorit. Their genuine, heartfelt, completely-not-about-needing-a-storyline concerns. They took her for a walk in Tuscany.

First — Kyle had already polled the group. Quietly? No. Privately? Absolutely not. She canvassed the cast, collected the consensus, and arrived at Dorit's walk armed with a full set of findings like a woman presenting quarterly results to a board that didn't ask for them.

Everyone has the same concerns, Kyle said. Everyone has noticed.

And Dorit — perpetually late, perpetually vulnerable, perpetually a lot — pointed out something that was, for exactly thirty seconds, completely correct.

They had just been together in the Hamptons. Together. Same house. Same trip. And Kyle had concerns about Dorit's behavior the entire time and said absolutely nothing. Not a word. To her face. When she was right there. Instead she waited, came to Tuscany, polled the group, and showed up with a group consensus dressed as personal concern.

If you were actually worried about me, Dorit said, you would have said something then. To me. Directly.

We put down our snacks. We looked at the screen.

She was right.

It lasted thirty seconds.

Then Dorit kept going. And going. And going. She said everyone should personally call her to address their concerns. She has been vulnerable for years and we all know it. She wants to be heard. She deserves better. She —

DORIT.

We are going to need your number. Not because we are concerned. Because we would like to call you personally and tell you that we — viewers, strangers, people watching from couches across the world — are exhausted. Not of your storyline. Of the complaining. Of the vulnerability as a recurring main character. Of the season after season of Dorit being wronged and suffering and needing to be understood.

We understand, Dorit. We have understood for five seasons. We are now past understanding and into something that feels uncomfortably like tired.

Please. Stop complaining. Do something unhinged. Flip a table. Say something wild at dinner. Arrive somewhere ON TIME for once in your life and watch the chaos that produces.

Kyle snapped at the end. Dorit left them stranded. To be continued.

Kyle was glowing, by the way. The specific glow of a woman who is not in the spotlight and is doing everything in her power to keep it that way. Concerned friend. Yes. Absolutely.

Sutton Is the Voice of Reason and That Should Scare All of Us

Here is the most alarming development of Season 15 and nobody is talking about it enough.

Sutton Stracke is the reasonable one.

SUTTON. Who once had an existential crisis about a chair. Who gave us seasons of unpredictable, reactive, gloriously chaotic television. Who could go from zero to unhinged in forty-five seconds flat and make it look like a lifestyle choice.

That woman is now the measured one. The explainer. The person who calmly briefs Amanda about the ChatGPT situation and says "nobody thought Boz was a liar" with the steady delivery of a therapist who has genuinely done the work.

We are happy for Sutton's growth. Genuinely.

We are also watching this show and missing the chaos she used to bring and not knowing what to do with that feeling.

Where Are They. The Real Ones.

Here is what I thought about during this episode.

Taylor Armstrong at Brandi's Malibu beach party. Season 2. Kyle holding her back. Arms flailing. "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE'S DONE TO ME." The whole room frozen. The whole country leaning forward. The meme that outlived the show. We still need to know. We will always need to know.

Goodbye Kyle. Ken told her. One sentence. The face. THE FACE. Everything detonated before she said a single word. We are still thinking about that face.

Game night at Dana Wilkey's. Brandi. "Kyle is a b****." Out loud. Directly. Into the atmosphere. No preamble. No apology. No filter. We were not ready. We have never recovered.

Crystal and the ugly leather pants. So specific. So unnecessary. So perfectly petty. An entire season. Fashion is always personal on this show and sometimes a declaration of war.

Denise Richards in Rome attempting to stop the cameras from rolling. Not asking. ATTEMPTING. Her whole body between Bravo and whatever was happening at that table. Her whole body saying: this will not air.

It aired.

The psychic at Camille's dinner party with the e-cigarette who told Kyle her husband would never emotionally fulfil her. He never emotionally fulfilled her. The psychic knew.

LVP. The swans. The smile. The exit. A raised eyebrow and a comment about rosé and somehow still elegant.

Lisa Rinna. Pre-loaded. Every dinner. Zero self-preservation. Maximum commitment. Always.

Brandi throwing wine. Kim and Kyle in the limo. The dinner from hell. THAT show. THOSE women.

This show went to Tuscany. Stomped grapes politely. Asked if they stain. Discovered sweat. Amanda manifested. Dorit complained. Natalie was there.

I thought about the garbage the whole time.

I am genuinely, seriously, for the first time in years, considering not watching this show anymore. Not anger. Something sadder. The restaurant that used to be your favourite. Same dish. Not what it was.

I'll be back next Thursday.

Thinking about the garbage. 🗑️