Can I be honest with you for a second? I watch Survivor alone. My husband is French. He is a very good man. He does not watch Survivor. These two facts coexist peacefully in our home and we do not discuss them.

Back in Canada I watched with people. Someone to scream at when your favourite made a catastrophically bad decision. Someone to share the devastation with. Here in the South of France I have the couch. I have a baguette. I have nobody to scream at.

I could scream at random French people because some of them frankly deserve it — but I am Canadian and we do not do this. We smile. We apologize. We go back inside and watch Survivor alone.

And what I just watched was the single most baffling episode of Survivor I have seen in years. Possibly ever.

Let us begin.

Where We Are. For Those Just Catching Up.

Last episode, in case you are still recovering: Brooke flipped on Simon at a 4-4 deadlock, sent her own alliance member home, handed the majority to the other side, and somehow convinced herself this was a plan. It was not a plan. It was a panic disguised as a plan. Jackson and Keeley are now in the minority because of it. Poor Jackson — who RISKED HIS ENTIRE GAME to flip to the returnees' side — is now scrambling because Brooke decided to vote out their shield.

Welcome to the Kaput Alliance. The name is accurate.

The Reward Challenge. And The Decision That Ended Everything.

Cameron won the reward. Food, shower, overnight stay — the full Survivor luxury package. A chance to bond with his allies, solidify the majority, make sure everyone is still pointing in the same direction.

Cameron took Keeley and Sally.

Let us sit with that for a moment.

Cameron — whose alliance consists of Loz, Caleb and Sally — took Keeley. One of the people he had previously floated as a possible vote-off. Not Loz. Not Caleb. Keeley. The woman on the other side. Because apparently Cameron forgot Keeley had already been on a reward, and in attempting to be fair, forgot to be strategic.

Loz and Caleb sat back at camp and stared into the middle distance with the energy of two people who have just realized their alliance member might actually be Donkey from Shrek.

The overnight reward did not strengthen Cameron's game. It gave Keeley caffeine, danishes, and twelve hours of rest to destroy him in the immunity challenge. Which she did.

The Half Idol Situation. A Comedy In Several Acts.

Cameron caught Brooke grabbing a package at the reward — half an immunity idol, hidden under a sofa cushion by a production team apparently in full panic mode. He told the tribe. He is walking around Samoa convinced Brooke has a full idol. She does not. She has half an idol. Half. The other half is with Sally, who found it and quietly told Loz and Caleb — but not Cameron. Because why would you tell Cameron anything at this point.

So Caleb and Loz, trying to figure out if Brooke and Jackson have the other half, start casually dropping the word "half" into every conversation. Subtly. Naturally. "Half" this, "half" that. It is the least subtle intelligence operation in Survivor history.

And then Brooke — three time player, returning legend, challenge beast — heard the word "half" and jumped straight in. Told Caleb she could use the other half. Immediately realised what she had done. Tried to walk it back. Said maybe she had a whole idol. Maybe. Something like that.

Caleb looked at her with the calm expression of a man who has just been handed everything he needed.

The Immunity Challenge. Powered By Danishes And Fury.

Keeley won. Powered by overnight danishes and the specific fury of someone who knows she is on the bottom. She held on for over an hour in a leg balancing challenge — an extraordinary physical achievement that she accomplished while Cameron talked at her the entire time.

Honestly the fact that she won is less surprising than the fact that she did not simply push him off.

Tribal Council. The Part Nobody Saw Coming.

Brooke expected to go home. She knew it. She pulled out her half idol at tribal, asked David if she could keep it as a souvenir — because why not, what does she have to lose — and called out Caleb as having the other half. Wrong. It was Sally. But the chaos was already in motion.

Cameron voted for Jackson.

The rest of the tribe voted for Cameron.

Not Brooke. Not Jackson. Cameron. His own allies — Loz, Caleb and Sally — flipped and voted out one of their own because they simply could not take one more episode of his voice.

Cameron, who had the numbers. Cameron, who had the majority. Cameron, who was in the best strategic position of anyone on that beach — went home because he talked too much, took the wrong people to dinner, and announced that the power sat with him forty-eight hours before his torch was snuffed.

He gave Sally his coat on the way out. Because of course he did. Cameron loves a chat and he is a genuinely lovely human being who had absolutely no business being on a show that requires you to occasionally be quiet.

Brooke Is Still There. I Know.

Not because of a plan. Not because of strategy. Because Cameron opened his mouth one too many times and his own people voted him out to get some peace and quiet.

Brooke is now 3 against 3 with Jackson and Keeley — neither of whom has any particular reason to trust her after what she did to Simon. And poor Jackson. This man burned his game to flip to the returnees. Betrayed his original allies. Put everything on the line. And Brooke voted out his shield the very next episode. Jackson is still there, still loyal, still confused about why any of this is happening to him.

But Brooke is still there. Hanging on by a thread she did not spin. Surviving not by playing the game but by watching everyone else spectacularly implode around her.

It is honestly impressive in the most infuriating way possible.

Did any of these people ever watch Survivor before coming on Survivor? 🏆